Understanding me
By Ian Cowie (Chaplain 1976-88)
These are not poems, but "lines of thought" ... each aimed at stimulating your self-understanding. Take time with each line.
The Loom of Life
On the loom of life,
God's warp is stretched out before me into the future.
I must work at it, moment by moment,
blending His will with my will,
so creating the pattern which is my life.
What I have already woven is rolled up in the past
ready to be spread out before God
when my work of weaving is done.
It is not for me to know the length of the warp,
at any moment I must be ready for the cutting off.
Perhaps a satisfactory pattern has already been made,
or perhaps He wants something far longer.
All I can know for sure is this:
Each second holds its crossing
of His will and my will,
His warp, my weft.
The length of the pattern is "given",
so is the pattern in it.
The rest is up to me.
As I work through the warp day by day,
I come to many dark strands:
sorrow and pain, desolation and temptation.
I may match these with the hideous colours
of bitterness, despair and weak escapism,
or I may match them with the Christ-like glories
of steadfast faith, undying hope, and self-giving love.
Whichever I do, it is around these dark strands
that the focal points of life's pattern emerge.
By these strands the pattern stands or falls.
There are many bad patches in my weaving.
Too often I have tried to force my pattern on life,
resenting the colours in the warp,
wishing that life had been otherwise.
Often, even when the warp glowed with happy colours,
my greed, lust and ingratitude have jarred horribly.
I wonder what the overall design was meant to be,
and what by contrast I have actually woven?
From time to time I have caught a glimpse of a pattern,
but the completed effect soon escapes me.
When my work of weaving is done
and the past finally unrolled
and laid beside the Master-life and truly judged ...
What will the verdict be?
How perfectly the Master-weaver did His work,
blending His will and the Father's at each moment,
bringing out a new glory
in the tangled lives of those around Him,
even when men had written them off as hopeless.
I'm not afraid to ask for His verdict,
I want Him to show me where I went wrong.
I put my weaving into His hands willingly
so that He can redeem the mess that I have made
and work even my mistakes into a pattern to His glory.
Guide my weaving, O Christ,
so that flecks of Your glory may appear
even among the botched weaving that is my life.
Your loving eye will see something worth keeping in it
and find some use for it in Our Father's home.
God and ME
God made me in His own image,
and, like God, I have made ME.
In fact, I have made several MEs:
the working, professional ME,
the me which I show to my friends,
and the "at home" ME ...
though I'm afraid that ME isn't very successful.
And, of course, being in the image of God,
I have made God in my own image.
But each of these self-made MEs
is made at the cost of my God-made ME.
Deprived, neglected, unknown, it is hidden
protesting against the other MEs.
After a drink or two I can drown it
and really believe that my friendly ME is true.
I can even try to build up a Christian ME
to compensate for the others.
But the true ME will not let me be.
But only the God-made ME can truly love,
though each false ME has its own version of love.
It is to the true ME alone that God relates,
and that those who truly know me relate.
The true ME cries for the destruction of the false MEs
even though they are praying for healing.
When the falsity of what I have made is seen
I put my true, unknown, me into God's hands
to be born again, bathed in life, and set free.
And then there can be inner peace.
Faith
"How wonderful to have a faith like yours. How did you get it?"
How does one answer such a question? Especially when your own
faith feels weak at the time! I had to face the way I had come.
How did I learn my faith?
Through moral defeat and shame,
so that only by a miracle
could I ever rise from the mire.
Yet always the tempter has been kept at bay,
and Christ's grace has proved sufficient.
Through financial difficulty
so that only by a miracle
could my family be fed and my work done.
Yet always provision has been made,
daily bread and necessary equipment
has always been provided.
Through losing my health
so that only by a miracle
could a worthwhile life lie ahead.
Yet always enough strength has been given,
but only enough for one step ahead.
Faith is learned as Peter learned it
by following Jesus into "impossible" situations,
launching out into the deeps at His command,
walking out into the stormy waters of life
and finding that, somehow, "it works".
O Christ,
if You ever call on me to leave everything
and to follow You into some mad venture,
give me grace not to miss my chance.
If You ever need to strip me of all I have
so that I am alone in life with nothing but You,
give me grace to welcome the experience.
If I rely more than I realise upon earthly securities,
then show me where I have gone wrong
and deepen my faith, at whatever the cost.